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Quotes that if you have any bit of a sense of humor, will make you happy:
Daphne: I did my fair share of fibbing too. I once told me school chums I was born with a tiny embryonic twin attached to my hip. Of course they were horrified and it didn’t help my social life at all. But for a while there it was nice having a sister.
Liar, Liar
Daphne: Did I ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on the H.M.S. Bounty?
Martin: No kidding.
Daphne: Yeah, from what we could gather, he made it safely to Pitcairn Island, where he was quite fruitful and multiplied. You know, for all I know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me running around the South Seas, frolicking in the surf, all brown-skinned and bare-breasted.
An Affair to Forget
Daphne talks about her brothers: Everything was a contest - who could run the fastest, jump the highest... they even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack, and see who could bowl him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game, until that year the spring thaw set in early, and poor Michael went right through the ice! Ooh, they caught hell for that one. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried, til they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy. Then when he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them.
IQ
Martin: How did Eddie like his walk?
Simon, looking around and realizing he's alone: The little nipper loved it. I think nature's calling him again. His bladder's worse than mine. I'll be back in a flash. (He runs out.)
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon
Pam: It's my in-laws. It's just that, well... they drop over all the time without calling first, and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them.
Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents - what does he suggest?
Pam: The other day he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away.
Dinner at Eight
Roz: We have Hank on line three. He's having trouble with his neighbours.
Frasier: Hello Hank. I'm listening.
Hank: Am I on?
Frasier: Yes, you are on the air.
Hank: Hello, am I on?
Frasier: Hank, listen. Turn down your radio and just talk into your phone.
Hank: Hello?
Frasier: Listen, Hank please, you won't be able to hear yourself, we're on a seven second delay.
Hank: Hello, can you hear me?
Frasier: Oh, for crying out loud. Thank you, Hank. People, would you please turn off your damn radios. No, I mean just those of you who are calling in!
Call me Irresponsible
Frasier to a caller: Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunnelling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Selling Out
Mary Ann: Kids. You can't live with 'em, and you can't shove 'em back in the womb.
Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast
Rachel: You see, I recently married a widower. Now, Phil's a real good man, he's a kind man. But there's just one little problem. He insists on keeping an urn with his late wife's ashes on the dresser in our bedroom.
Frasier: That is a definite "yikes."
Rachel: See, I knew that wasn't normal. He says it is, but I knew it wasn't!
Frasier: All right, Rachel. Rachel, now listen, before you go off half-cocked, let's try to remember this is a very sensitive issue for your husband. Obviously those ashes mean a very great deal to him. And although I don't believe it's appropriate that he keep them in the bedroom, I suppose you could maybe move them to another room?
Rachel: Well, I guess I could try that. Maybe I'll move them into the guest room. Oops.
Frasier: Rachel, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, nothing. I gotta run, Dr Crane. I've got some vaccuuming to do.
Fortysomething
Frasier to a caller: Gee, I'm sorry, Blake. When I told you to close your eyes and visualise that you were on a tropical island, I didn't realise you were calling from your car phone.
Blake: That's OK, Doc. At least I know my air bags work.
Frasier Crane's Day Off
Sid: Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up. It is a severe handicap in today's fast paced, highly competitive world.
Frasier: Sid, are you reading what you're saying?
Sid, shuffling papers: Uh... Yes, I am. The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.
Frasier: But what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?
Sid: Uhhhh... Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comment. Goodbye.
The Club
Middle-of-the-night caller: I work at this all night mini-mart, and I've been watching myself on the video camera, and the camera-me is doing things I don't approve of.
She's the Boss
Frasier: Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.
Tom: Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.
Frasier: Well, how long you two been together?
Tom: Six years.
Frasier: ... And the sex is still that good?
Tom: Oh man, Dr Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. I'm not sure we have much else in common.
Frasier: Well, common interests are of course the foundation of - three times, you say!
Tom: Is that abnormal?
Frasier: Well... no. No. It's not abnormal. It's not fair... but it's not abnormal.
Tom: Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.
Frasier: I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.
Frasier Loves Roz
Frasier: And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcolectic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert. But, in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that traffic control position.
The Two Mrs Cranes
Jimmy: So it's my parents. I don't know, they're just like, really stupid.
Frasier: May I ask how old you are?
Jimmy: Fourteen.
Frasier: Well, hang on, Jimmy. Your parents are going to be stupid for another seven years.
Jimmy: Whoa! Seven years? That's like, longer than I'll be in high school!
Frasier: I salute your optimism.
The Impossible Dream
Roz: On line four, we have Ted, who's feeling a little bit disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted. (Dial tone) Well, I hope Ted appreciates irony.
Halloween
Stephen: I think I'm losing my mind, Dr Crane. People are talking to me through my radio.
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: There it is again.
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: Now it's giving me orders.
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: It knows my name!
Good Samaritan
Bulldog: So Doc, who's your pick for the Giants and Saints game this weekend?
Frasier, with an air of suffering: The Giants.
Bulldog, deadpan: You're kidding.
Frasier, with an air of suffering: The Saints.
Bulldog, deadpan: You're kidding.
Frasier: Well, somebody has to win.
Bulldog: Yeah, they would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend.
Frasier: Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wish you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience!
Can't Buy me Love
Bulldog: Just got back from the gym! Did an hour on the stairmaster! What do you think? (Slapping his butt) Like a couple of little cherry tomatoes, huh?
Frasier: Thank you, Bulldog, you've just put me off salads for a month.
Adventures in Paradise
See? Aren't you happy now?
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